Originally published at Daily Life, 11 August 2013
The phrase “too much information” gets thrown around so much that it’s lost all meaning. Knowing your friend has had sex? TMI. Your partner had a nasty bathroom visit after a late night kebab? TMI. Thing your kid did that was actually pretty mundane but you’re terribly excited about because it’s your damn kid? Look, we’re not going to say it to your face, but rest assured: TMI.
And it’s a shame, because it means that it’s impossible to explain just much I of which this one anonymous Perth dater has given TM.
This was first brought to the world’s attention via US gossip site Gawker, who claim that it was forwarded to them from a potential datee of this chap. They had been communicating on a site for a bit and were planning their first meeting. The chap then forwarded her a document in preparation. As you do.
And dear god, it’s comprehensive.
The mere existence of this 99 page document makes it tempting to give an armchair diagnosis of obsessive/compulsive disorder and/or a placement somewhere on the autism spectrum. And there’s nothing obviously malicious in here: at no point in this voluminous screed does he outline what he expects his potential girlfriend – or, as he unfortunately dubs her, “My Woman” (yes, capitalised) – to look like, for example. However, it does make clear that he really doesn’t know how this “courting” thing works.
After the two page introduction (which is headed “Private and Confidential” – sorry, dude), which includes a glossary explaining his preferred terms (“cock”, “boobs”, “pussy”, “spunk”, “My Woman”) and a 10 page table of contents, we learn about his birth, family, education, first sexual experience, popularity (very high, apparently), future interests, diet, how he purchased his house, the renovations done to it, a breakdown of his outgoing costs, his friends, a detailed breakdown of how he splits his time over the 168 hours available to him per week (49 hours for sleep and sex, if you’re wondering), a comparison breakdown of how he would seek to free up some of that time if you were to become his partner, interests, projects (business and personal), position on public displays of affection (pro, within reason) and exercise regime.
With these preliminaries out of the way, we come to Page 27: his “Seeking Criteria”, including his “Imaginary Wakeup Test”:
I have an Imaginary Wakeup Test. Can I imagine waking up next to My Woman each and every morning of my life and smiling as well as nice words and perhaps Kissing or Cuddle. Then not only continue to Respect myself but to also Respect My Woman, and to Respect us as a Couple. It’s great to feel that all around Respect can be there for substantial Times.
From here until page 36 we learn that he values a relationship, and is concerned about STIs. Very concerned. There are those that might think that calculating the risk of contracting a blood-borne disease through skin abrasion is maybe a second-date subject, but he gives a breakdown on the topic along with a list of STIs for which he has never been tested positively, and the two that he has (thrush and Chlamydia, both treated). This is important, because it becomes clear down the track that he’s really not expecting to have to use condoms (except when you’re on your period – but let’s not jump ahead!).
But what of that magical first date itself? Unsurprisingly, he’s given that some thought too.
There’s five pages on the “pre-meeting stage” (pages 37-41), in which he stresses the value of spontaneity and unpredictability among his meticulously collated dot points before explaining among many, many other things the makeup of any sexy pix that might be sent (or, as he puts it, Very Naughty pix):
I also like getting (from you) the following types of Naughty pics, before we even meet up on the night:
a) All these other pics without your Face showing,
b) A Full frontal pics – naked – in front of perhaps a mirror,
c) Your Boobs (preferably in an aroused state),
d) Legs apart looking up,
e) Your vulvae with Vaginal opening – with your Legs open, Aroused.
f) Inside your Vagina,
g) Your Clitoris – right in. Aroused with Clit hood back as needed.
Feel uncomfortable about these details? Don’t worry! This list is followed by reasons a) though f) as to why you should send them to him anyway, which should allay any fears you may have. Oh, and does helpfully note that “The Vagina gets typically one third bigger during sex”, so don’t feel inadequate, ladies. Why this doesn’t come up on page 45 – “Relaxed Dialogue” – is baffling.
He also explains his moisturising and depilatory regime ahead of the date, suggests a dress code (skirt or dress for you, smart casual for him – don’t expect jeans as he only has a couple of pairs he wears when renovating), a list of the likely thoughts you should expect him to have going through his mind, and what you can expect when you turn up:
If I like what I see I will almost certainly greet with a firm Cuddle or two (or 6). I will sense your response but it is an early signal to you:
a) I like what I see,
b) It’s a relief to see you arrive,
c) Let’s Enjoy ourselves.
…and a proposed schedule of how the date will go with several options, including that “After a Coffee or a drink, a walk and a nice meal (if not earlier) we should express our interests in each other.” (emphasis his). Assuming you are amenable to seeing him, he’d like to seal the deal with some “Good quality Sex”. After all, as he points out a few pages later, “if we do not make Love with each other on the first date / night – then we are probably not matched.”
The bit on dating and how the rest of the night will go after that first declaration of intention takes us up to page 57, where we get into the nitty gritty of how exactly the sex is going to work. This is broken down into several sections under the heading “Early Next Stage Toward Love Making”. Here he explains his orgasms (recovery time, semen taste, consistency – watery for first and second, dry for third and subsequent), your orgasms (clitoral, vaginal and G-spot), cock size (“I am just over 11 inches at full throb; and Cock Width or Cock Girth is 2.3 inches”, his methodology for measuring said cock, advantages and disadvantages of his cock size, and why sex is important.
Then, at page 70, we get to foreplay, with particular emphasis on the “Clitorus”.
Like I said, comprehensive.
From 77 we get a breakdown of his exact moves (including the tantalising Concluding Cock Slip and Dip) and positions, which are sadly lacking in detail beyond “more to follow” under a selection of headings. Toys come in on page 83 – he has an impressive collection – and what he enjoys in a mastubatory setting. Page 88-89 explain more about the early stages of the relationship, and then there is the world’s most giggle-inducing index:
Cock, 2, 95
Size 10, 64, 66, 95
Measuring 10, 95
Hygiene 36, 44, 95
Length 40, 64, 66, 80, 95
Width, 64, 66, 95
Girth, 64, 66, 95
Cock Slap 11, 77, 80, 98, 99
Coffee 4, 24, 26, 42, 46, 48, 56, 95
Cote d’Azure 95
The entire thing can be read here, and you’re going to want a coffee (pages 4, 24, 26, 42, 46, 48, 56, 95).
Then again, it makes a change from “a/s/l”? at least?