Congratulations on the purchase of your hangover!

Chemical-structure-of-drinking-alchol-also-properly-known-as-EthanolDear customer,

Congratulations on your purchase last night of the HANGOVER MACH 5. We trust that it will give you uninterrupted service for at the next 36 to 52 hours.

Please note the following in order to get the most out of your HANGOVER MACH 5.

The HANGOVER MACH 5 has fixed many of the bugs of previous iterations:

  • Recovery time now tripled
  • Now 80% less susceptible to painkillers and indigestion medication
  • Tongue furriness upgraded from “kitten” to “Wookiee”
  • Feces no longer solid
  • Sleep-resistent

It is recommended that the HANGOVER MACH 5 be used in conjunction with caffeinated water, the leftover chicken in your fridge, and television (sold seperately).

If you are 30 years or older, the HANGOVER MACH 5 will automatically downgrade your system to comply with our patented E-Z Slo technology, featuring fresh new nausea, painful muscle spasms and increased sensitivity to the Earth’s gravity.

HANGOVER MACH 5 is fully compliant with all modern forms of social media, allowing you to check the increasingly erratic and ill-advised messages and photographs you posted last night to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pintrest, Linkedin, your employer’s website and the comment thread to Insane Clown Posse’s ‘Miracles’ on YouTube.

Keep in a cool, dark place.

If unsatisfied with the service of your HANGOVER MACH 5, please return unused portion to the bar where it was purchased. It’ll give you a chance to pick up your phone.

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