Originally published at Time Out Sydney, 14 February 2014. Art by Robert Polmear.
Dear the Internet,
If there’s one thing that our nation learned last Sunday with success of rating smashers INXS: Never Tear Us Apart and the Schapelle Corby biopic Schapelle, it’s that we Australians love nothing more than seeing our own stories ineptly reflected back at us.
This hasn’t gone unnoticed by our Federal government, who recognise that the best way to win hearts and minds in support of their political agenda is by telling our culture’s greatest stories on the small screen.
That’s why the following three blockbuster television events are currently being rushed into production – so here’s a preview of what will, unless Labor and the Greens block it in the upper house, be 2014’s federally-mandated Must-See TV!
Sophie’s WorkChoices Australia’s sweetheart Lisa McCune is Sophie Everywoman, a single mum struggling to balance her work and personal life under the yoke of protectionist unions forcing her to accept award wages, OH&S standards in the workplace and crippling obligations like employer superannuation contributions and paid leave.
However, a chance meeting with dashing Howard-era employment minister Kevin Andrews (Julian McMahon) makes her realise that she really can have it all simply by outlawing collective bargaining and allowing her to negotiate as equals with her employers, who promptly make her position casual. Now freed of all her uncompetitive protections, can she finally achieve her dream of seven day a week working poverty? Find out in this heartwarming story of hope, love, and unaffordable child care!
Cli-Fi An edge of the seat thriller where the first casualty of the truth… is profitable industry. Mild mannered environment minister Greg Hunt (David Wenham) uncovers a shadowy well-supported and peer-reviewed global conspiracy of scientists and researchers attempting to ensnare international governments in fiendishly urgent and united action to mitigate the effects of climate change.
Can he and his rag-tag gang of powerful industrialists, international media magnates, discredited scientists and highly-paid lobby groups stop this insidious cabal of under-resourced academics and keep industry safe from their dastardly fact-based agenda? Also stars Claudia Karvan as Gina Rinehart, Hugh Jackman as Clive Palmer, Daniel Craig as Lord Monckton and Cornelia “Morag from Home & Away” Francis as CSIRO Chief Executive Officer Megan Clark.
Oh, Tampa! A knockabout musical farce about the 2001 Children Overboard affair, where goofy prime minster John Howard finds a simple, politically-motivated fib claiming that evil refugees threatening to drown their own children spirals out of control and wackily becomes the basis for Australia’s federal immigration policy for the subsequent decade.
With Anthony Warlow as Howard, David Campbell as immigration minister Philip Ruddock and Phil Scott as wandering minstrel The Children Over-Bard, Oh, Tampa! features towback-tapping numbers like ‘The Only Good Ship (Is Citizenship)’, ‘Political Wedge Issue Blues’ and ‘I’m Not A Racist, But… (…Obviously, I Am)’.
The Brisvegas 90s legends make a long-overdue return
Dave McCormack, dear reader, is a very conversational person. He’s effusive, chatty and extremely charming, although even he has found doing press for the upcoming shows by Custard, the Brisbane-born band he fronted from 1990 to 1999, has been a bit odd.
“I’ve been doing interviews and it’s hard because I don’t really have much to promote or sell,” he explains. “Most bands, they’ve got a new record out and they’re doing this and that, they’re gonna tour America and they’re doing a video clip – I don’t have any of those fallback points.”
They never aged. FACT.
See, Custard’s reunions – like much of Custard’s career, really – have been quite casual affairs. “Absolutely! We just go with the vibe and see what happens, and if it seems like a good thing to do, we do it. You could write this whole article without talking to me, really – you know what’s going on.”
Custard did a few shows around the place last year, including Meredith Music Festival last year and their first Sydney shows in 12 years – which seems a long time given that all the members live, for the most part, in Sydney.
“It’s good to have the old gang back together,” he grins. “It’s very lovely. We hadn’t done a gig together for ten years, until 2009 [when they played in Brisbane for Queensland’s sesquicentenary], for a lot of reasons, and the whole subject of getting back together seemed impossible and then we did bite the bullet and got in a room together, and from the very first chord in rehearsal it just seemed to come together. I think it was a lot of muscle memory: after doing so many gigs for so many years we did sort of gel like an organic beast.”
Did the existence of those aforementioned reasons mean that the first rehearsal involved clearing the air at all?
“Not really, no. I think there probably is a lot of undiscussed and unresolved tension, but we see each other so briefly and it’s mainly getting on stage for gigs, that we’re all pretty happy with the way things are going,” he shrugs. “I mean, everyone’s really nice to each other and we’re all enjoy each other’s company. We spent a lot of time together for ten years, so there is a brotherly thing there. There are things that you just don’t have to discuss.”
He’s quick to point out that the band haven’t exactly laboured over the set for these shows either. “It’s just a matter of booking a rehearsal room for an hour, running through the set for 45 minutes, having 15 minutes of free time, and then off you go.”
Well, a well-drilled Custard would be a strange thing…
“It would defeat the purpose!” he declares. “I’ve always been a fan of the happy accidents. And I like to think that the people who come along do so for the accidents as much as the parts we play right. It’s the greatest hits played in the same versions as the recordings, played to the best of our abilities. Any changes are due to ineptness rather than anything else.”
He’s also pleased that 2011’s seen the return of a number of their contemporaries.
“I’m so glad that the Hummingbirds are back! They’re vastly underrated band. I loved the Hummingbirds – when did ‘Alimony’ come out, ’88? ’87? They were blazing a trail for guitar pop. Simon Holmes, great songwriter. ‘Two Weeks with a Good Man in Niagara Falls’ – what a great song,” he gushes. “He’s a guitar hero.”
Well, as YouTube attests, McCormack was quite the player in his day too – barking out ‘Apartment’ while playing those fiddly riffs…
“I’ve matured into doing one thing at a time now: I can’t do fiddly guitar and sing at the same time. But where we came from was this bumbling, not-really-that-good-at-our-instruments thing. None of us are that good, but when we get together with the right songs, we can play the tasty little bits – which is nice, I think. If any of us were hired as session musicians, I think we’d fail spectacularly.”
Except Glenn Thompson, of course – the band’s multi-instrumentalist drummer, recruited for the reunited Go Betweens, no less. Not only could he be hired as a sessioneer, he actually has.
“True, Glenn has. He’s the exception to the rule. He’s a very talented musician, and a great songwriter. His album [Beachfield’s Brighton Bothways] is unbelievable. Unbelievable.”
One of the most tiresome subjects regularly trotted out in the endless men-are-from-Vulcan-women-are-from-Tatooine discussions around gender relations is “can men and women ever just be friends?”
It’s the basis of a million rom-coms – well, When Harry Met Sally and the 999,999 rom-coms ripping it off – and countless books and articles. It’s a question that’s even inexplicably intrigued some of the greatest minds of the day. Even the venerable AC Grayling – philosopher, intellectual and warm, cuddly face of public atheism – recently delved into it in his book Friendship.
Legs, yesterday.
Which is all a little confusing since the answer is incredibly simple to anyone who’s spent any time dealing with other humans: yes, men and women can just be friends, obviously.
No-one aside from the most virulent pick-up artist, crazed separatist or poisonous Men’s Rights Activist could think otherwise. If you don’t have platonic pals of the opposite gender, you’re either a good deal crazier and/or sexually irresistible than anyone I know. And I know some exceptionally hot and crazy people.
So here’s another question to ponder: what’s with the “just” part?
See, the question “can men and women just be friends?” has a hidden assumption embedded in it, which is that the addition of sexual desire in a not-explicitly-romantic relationship somehow invalidates a friendship. And I’d like to argue that this is not just incorrect, but downright ridiculous.
So: you meet someone, they seem awesome. You get along like houses aflame. You also think they’re kinda cute – maybe not cute enough to ponder ending the romantic thing you already have going on with someone, or to stop the perfectly fine unpartnered life you’re currently living, or even to get your shag on. Still, they’re attractive enough that you idly think “y’know, under different circumstances, dot dot dot”. What do you do?
Well, you could maintain the idea that friendship and desire are mutually exclusive, freak the hell out, violently curse your filthy mind and run screaming from the bar. Or you could smile to yoursdelf, get your round in and enjoy the company of an excellent person.
Of course, this flies in the face of the prevailing wisdom of “friendzoning”, which makes clear that a chap needs to make his wang-move during the tiny, tiny window of opportunity before women mysteriously and irretrievably exile him to the dreaded Land of Empty, Worthless Friendship and Lonely Masturbation.
The problem with friendzoning is that as far as I can see, it doesn’t actually happen.
For one thing, fairly obviously, a lot of couples start out as being friends before they get romantically involved. One that’s particularly close to me were friends through their school and uni years, even sharing houses before they (finally, thankfully) hooked up. They’re now married, one of the loveliest couples on the planet, and hopefully going to provide me with some nieces and nephews before too long – and I don’t think their decade-plus of friendship was somehow retroactively rendered venal and manipulative just because they eventually fell in love.
I admit to having friends who, in moments of ill-advised and generally drunken bravado, I have attempted to woo. In most cases, they have gently patted me on the head and called me a cab. In a couple of cases we’ve ended up going out. In none of the cases has it forever rent our bond in twain, so appalled were they by the realisation that our previously chaste friendship was distorted by my kinda fancying them. Ditto for the (admittedly few) occasions I’ve been on the receiving end. If anything, it’s something we embarrassingly grin about to each other now.
I have exes with whom I am friends, and a couple of friendships that began as one night stands. And those friendships still feel completely legitimate, even though we’ve totally seen each other in the nuddy.
This is because the things that make someone click with us as a pal – a sense of humour, complementary interests, similar outlook on life – are the same things that most people also look for in a partner. Attractive people, as the description suggests, are attractive.
Humans are social animals. We’re constantly making subconscious assessments of other people – whether they’re a threat, whether they’re a friend, whether they’re trustworthy, whether they’re a potential mate.
This subconscious process is so valuable to human interactions that there’s a huge worldwide research programme going on to discover why some people lack this skill. If we didn’t think it a significant part of what it is to be human, causes of autism would be a research topic on par with “causes and outcomes of Clive Palmer’s fashion sense”.
Yet this notion prevails, that a true friend would never do something as vile as idly wonder what you look like naked. Even though we’re programmed to do exactly that.
Perhaps it’s a hangover from our teenage years, when there was a need to clearly delineate and identify what the nature of each relationship was lest inexperienced and hormone-ravaged people got confused and hurt. More likely it’s another manifestation of the pervasive sex negativity in our culture, where there are Good Feelings like love and Bad Feelings like lust, and the latter always defeats and destroys the former.
So maybe it’s time to reframe the question: men and women can be friends, and they can be more than friends, and they can occupy all the points in between. And that’s pretty great.
…And this has been a frantic couple of weeks as well. Cover story on Neil Young for Australian Guitar, some film reviews for the Sunday Telegraph, and some other things.
A shitload of Sydney Festival pieces will be tumbling in for Time Out over the coming weeks, and hopefully some other things as well as soon as I can free up the bit of my brain full of Arrested Development quotes – the reason for which is below.
My mother used to say “if you want something done, give it to a busy person.” I think she may have been referring specifically to having people killed, but in any case: I have taken on the job of trying to finish off the year, see my folks, fulfil social obligations and also for some idiot reason chosen right now to split my existing messy, sprawling blog into Songs You Should Rediscover Today Because They Are Awesome and the writin’ stuff, which is no-hyperlink-necessary here. Because I write a lot.
Yeah, that’s right: when you get into the writing game, you’re just running around with sacks of sweet, sweet scratch.
Like, a lot.
For example, currently at The Vine is 100 Days of Tony Abbott: Reasons to be Hopeful, in which is trying desperately to shore up some Left Wing optimism in the face of a horrendous three months for anyone who doesn’t loathe their fellow citizens of Earth. I’ve also linked the last eight or nine issues of Ten Things below, my Mon-Thurs morning news column where I get up at 5am, drink very strong coffee and get mad at the news.
And I did two dream interviews at Time Out recently: the wonderful, hilarious Neko Case and the goddamn brilliant Edwyn Collins. Oh, and I chatted with Anna Calvi for the Vine as well. Forgot about that.
In the still-breathing world of print, Australian Guitar has a big ol’ Neil Young retrospective as its cover story, which took me ages to write for some reason, Elle has a piece about Young Adult Novels from me, and there are reviews floating around at the Sunday Telegraph (and related News Sundays) for American Hustle and a few other films that I can’t remember right now.
I am very, very tired.
Yet, still so much else to do. And now everyone’s accounts payable departments are closed too, so here’s hoping there are some invoices coming in…
Anyway, get some reading in over the Xmas break. I don’t write this stuff for my health, you know.
As you’re no doubt aware, the government is slashing funding to the ABC. You know, just like they promised they’d do the night before the election. It’s not like the soon-to-be Prime Minister himself explicitly denied that the government were going to make any cuts to public broadcas…
…Oh. Sorry, scratch that.
One of the best things about the ABC, as far as the government goes, is that they can’t complain about reductions to their own services because then they wouldn’t look impartial and therefore clearly be deserving of punitive cuts.
Turnbull also explained that commercial networks were all doing it tough these days and that therefore… um, the ABC should also suffer, despite not being a commercial network?
And here’s the thing: it’s a distinction that needs making because the ABC is not just a fancier version of channels 7, 9 and 10 paid for by the public purse. It’s a completely different beast.
—
Let’s start with the question of what commercial networks are there to do. The answer is very simple: make money from advertising.
And that’s it.
That’s what they exist to do. A network that doesn’t make money is a failing network. There’s nothing wrong with being profit driven business – that’s the entire basis of capitalism, after all. But providing you with entertainment and information is a means to an end: they want you to watch the commercials they sell. That’s the business model.
You’re not the audience: you’re the product.
It’s true of all free services. Want more proof? Lovingly cast your eyes to the left and right hand sides of the page you’re currently looking at. And hey, why not click on them while you’re at it? It all helps.
One of things said by the dumber end of the political spectrum is the ABC should be able to compete with commercial networks if it’s so gosh-darn good.
The problem with that is that it’s specifically forbidden to do so by the aforementioned charter. Specifically, section 2(a)(i): one of the jobs of the ABC is not to duplicate “the broadcasting services provided by the commercial and community sectors of the Australian broadcasting system”.
So it’s not meant to compete with the commercial networks. Fine. But what isthe ABC meant to do?
Glad you asked, possibly imaginary interlocutor:
Here’s section one, in its entirety, laying out what your ABC is all about.
The functions of the Corporation are:
(a) to provide within Australia innovative and comprehensive broadcasting services of a high standard as part of the Australian broadcasting system consisting of national, commercial and community sectors and, without limiting the generality of the foregoing, to provide:
(i) broadcasting programs that contribute to a sense of national identity and inform and entertain, and reflect the cultural diversity of, the Australian community; and
(ii) broadcasting programs of an educational nature;
(b) to transmit to countries outside Australia broadcasting programs of news, current affairs, entertainment and cultural enrichment that will:
(i) encourage awareness of Australia and an international understanding of Australian attitudes on world affairs; and
(ii) enable Australian citizens living or travelling outside Australia to obtain information about Australian affairs and Australian attitudes on world affairs; and
(ba) to provide digital media services; and
(c) to encourage and promote the musical, dramatic and other performing arts in Australia.
… so the axing of the Australia Network makes (b) kinda tricky, and since (ba) has been the main thing they’ve been sinking development money into, that’s going to be where a lot of cuts are likely to be made: which makes it harder for them to live up to the terms of their charter, which gives the government another stick with which to beat them.
You can already imagine the conservative argument: heck, if they can’t even do what they’re obliged to do under law, why are we wasting money on it?
—
Editor update: Inspired by the ’80s campaign “8 Cents a Day” in funding negotiations for the ABC, 8 cents being the estimated cost of the ABC per head of the population per day for the service, we’ve worked out the numbers for the ABC in 2014.
At the moment the ABC is operating on $1.04 billion per year. The current Australian population is approx 23,868,684 (you can watch it tick up on the ABS website), and that averages out to around $45 per year per person, and about 12 cents per person per day. Not bad when you take into account inflation, expansion into internet services, and digital output (leading to more channels on radio and TV), a 4 cent increase ain’t bad at all over 30 years.
Plus, there’s that leaked report from KPMG which proves the ABC is working as efficiently as it possibly can be, and is in fact underfunded.
—
But there’s another point worth making here, which is that the ABC isn’t just a radio and TV network. It’s a nation builder. That’s the main reason why the government decided to consolidate the country’s metropolitan public radio stations in 1932.
Furthermore, like government itself, the ABC is yours. It’s there for the betterment of you, your family, your community and your country. That’s why you pay (practically nothing from your own pocket) to support it.
We’re a small, geographically disparate country with a tiny population by global standards. One of the few things that unites us across this wide, brown, sea-girt land is Our ABC. That’s what makes it powerful, and – if you’re a government who currently sees electoral value in creating division and fear – that’s what makes it threatening.
Without getting too high-minded about it, there is nothing more important than a free press and an informed electorate for the functioning of democracy. Thomas Jefferson, that American chap who knew a thing or two about democracy, memorably said that representative media is a better curb on tyranny than even representative government:
“The basis of our governments being the opinion of the people, the very first object should be to keep that right; and were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without newspapers or newspapers without a government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. But I should mean that every man should receive those papers and be capable of reading them.”
Who is more representative of the people of Australia: a media organisation obliged by law to provide timely, accessible services to the nation, or a for-profit conglomerate?
—
And ultimately that is why the ABC is so important. It’s not beholden to anyone except the people. It’s entire explicit purpose is to be clear, accurate, accessible, and to support our local culture without being concerned if it’s going to get a solid 12 in key demos on Sunday evenings.
We are not merely a nation of customers. We are citizens.
Neko Case, it’s fair to say, has had a couple of godawful years. The loss of family members, including both her parents, helped kickstart a battle with crippling depression which laid her out for a good long while. Yet the album that it inspired – The Worse Things Get, The Harder I Fight, The Harder I Fight, The More I Love You – is both gloriously dynamic and also often laugh-out-loud funny (current favourite line: “If I puked up some sonnets, would you call me a miracle?” from ‘Night Still Comes’).
“Well, if you’re gonna express that kind of bummed-outness, it doesn’t really work coming from my mouth unless I admit to the embarrassing parts,” a gleeful Case declares. “Depression isn’t like some Russian novel. It’s not this grand, sleek beast ruining your life. It’s a poop-in-you-pants-while-sitting-in-jail sort of a thing.”
That’s probably the best description of depression I’ve ever heard. “Well, you’ve got to admit to the funny parts. And there are some parts that are pretty funny. Like they’re not, but theyare,” she laughs.
“They’re human parts – those are the things that are good to laugh at. Like, ‘that’s right! I’m an animal! I’m not a Victorian Englishperson – and neither were they!’” she declares, laughing even as she tangles herself in her metaphor. “It’s neverworked!”
The occasionally grim subject matter doesn’t make for a depressing listen, mind. In fact, the jubilant ‘City Swans’ sounds tailor-made for Neko’s other major gig, as member of genius Canadian power-pop collective the New Pornographers.
“Well, that is definitely a true observation. Just before I made this record the New Pornographers toured for our last record, and those big choruses just feel so good to sing all together, and I’m like ‘god, I can do that on my recording too – why not? Hell yeah!’ And definitely going to A major in one spot: it’s like ‘yeah, that’s a total pop song thing that would happen’.”
In fact, if there’s a theme running through the album it’s that being human is a messy business, and that the messiness is actually a feature rather than a bug.
“I mean, if you look at something excellent and gorgeous like a tiger, they go off and poop and pee too. They get ticks! They get lice! Sometimes they’ve gotta eat rotten meat out of a sluice! And that doesn’t mean you can’t still be an awesome tiger.”
Last time around Case’s band was pretty goddamn killer. This time around, it’s even more so.
“Eric Bachman from Crooked Fingers and Archers of Loaf is with us now, singing in hisdisgustingly beautiful voice and playing his disgustingly beautiful guitar,” she mock-spits. “You’re having a fanboy moment? It happens a lot.
“I tell him ‘Eric, look: I got in a band to be cool, and boys never talk to me but two thirds of the audience are indie rock dudes salivating over you. And he’s like ‘yep! I got that special sumthin’ that guys like.’” She sighs. “He’s adorable. And amazing. And talented.”
Thankfully it’s not all new: her vocal and onstage-banter foil Kelly Hogan will be by her side.
“It isn’t right to do it without Kelly. Sometimes I have to do it without Kelly, because – and this is the only reason I can live with it – because Kelly Hogan makes her own music also, which has inspired me for so many years, and it would be so lame to deny the rest of the world of Kelly Hogan doing Kelly Hogan music live or making a Kelly Hogan record, because it doesn’t happen often.”
This is true. It took her eleven years to release I Like To Keep Myself In Pain.
“Exactly! But: that’s up to her, she has to do at her own pace. And you know, I think she just likes to tease us. She’s power hungry, and she knows she has this over us. It’s pretty fucking mean really, if you think about it. But that’s her game.”
You should slap her next you see her.
There’s a long pause.
“I might,” she finally responds. “You know, I might just do that.”
Originally published in Time Out Sydney 24 October 2013. At by Robert Polmear
Dear The Internet,
(from the upcoming children’s edition)
With the news that your immigration minister Scott Morrison has issued an edict that the term “asylum seeker” be stricken from all official departmental communications and replaced with“illegal maritime arrival”, commentators have been making the unfair comparison between the Abbott government and the “newspeak” adopted by the dystopian ministries of George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four.
Such hyperbole is obviously ridiculous, since a) creating a standard term of reference for all staff will help streamline the dissemination of policy in a clear and accessible manner, and b) we have always been at war with Eastasia.
It’s only one of a raft of new terms and with that in mind, we contacted the Department of Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy, and communications minister Malcolm Turnbull graciously faxed us a copy of the government’s forthcoming official glossary.
Keep these terms in mind in all communications going forward, including your personal correspondence. Remember: ASIO and therefore the CIA will be taking notes, and you really don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of them.
Seriously. You really, really don’t.
Former Term
New Official Term
Asylum seeker
Illegal maritime arrival
Refugee
Terrorist
Australia (in context of Federal Constitution)
Australia
Australia (in context of dinkum fair-go mateship)
‘Straya
Australia (in context of human rights obligations)
Papua New Guinea
Love
Penis-in-vagina intercourse conducted exclusively in the marital bed
Homosexual man
Bachelor
Homosexual woman
Lady bachelor
Bisexual person
–
Child
Dependent
Wife
Dependent
Single mother
Careless slattern
Student
Mr/Mrs Fancy who thinks they’re so big with all their la-di-dah book-learnin’
First published in Time Out Sydney 11 Oct 2013. Art by Robert Polmear
Dear The Internet,
I have folders like this EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME
If there’s one thing that we can all agree on in these social media-savvy times, it’s that everyone has the unfettered right to access our private information. And not just commercial entities like Facebook, who want to let us know about about over-40s dating and weight loss secrets, or ASIO who are enthusiastic about informing the US secret service about who you’re emailing. This whimsical curiosity also extends to our potential employers who want to get a better idea of the real you, right down to intrusive questions about your medical history.
Fairfax earlier reported on the application form for Chevron, an energy and mining company who are extremely interested in whether or not their applicants are sufficiently fertile. In fact, they’d like to know if you – or your partner – have had any stillbirths, abortions, or any offspring with birth defects – and with good reason. After all, they expect a certain level of photogeneity when sending out PR shots of company picnics, and there’s a reason there’s no date on the Chevron calendar marked “Bring Your Freakish Monster Spawn to Work Day”.
Now, you might inexplicably feel that maybe the ins and outs of your partner’s reproductive history is not, in fact, any fucking business of your employer, much less your potential employer. And while the company have responded by saying that this section of the application is voluntary, it does make clear that applicants should answer all (underlined) sections of the form to the best of their knowledge – and since this is a job application it’s fair to assume that leaving great swathes of it suspiciously unanswered might affect one’s likelihood of getting the gig.
So, with that in mind, I’ve decided to institute an application process for readers of Word on the P Street, just to make sure that my industrious and often hungover work isn’t being wasted on sub-optimal eyeballs – or, as you are now defined, my platinum word-customers.
Please be aware that I will be selling this information to high-premium advertisers to demonstrate that mine is a healthy, fertile audience they’d be mad not to market to.
—
NOTE: PLEASE FILL OUT THIS APPLICATION BEFORE READING ANY OF THE ABOVE
NAME
AGE
GENDER
Personal details: please answer all of the below both in writing and in a loud, ringing voice right now wherever you are.
NICKNAME (PREFERRED)
NICKNAME (ACTUAL)
MOST ACCURATE PERSONAL INSULT
GREATEST FEAR
MOST TERRIFYING RECURRING DREAM
THING YOU LEAST WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU
HOW WERE YOU MOST HUMILIATED AS A CHILD? (Answer in not less than 500 words)
EMAIL ADDRESS AND PASSWORD
BANK ACCOUNT DETAILS
ANSWER TO YOUR SECURITY QUESTION
ANSWER TO YOUR INSECURITY QUESTION
Reproductive history
(Note: if any questions in this section does not directly apply to your gender, please answer on behalf of your partner, housemate, sibling, previous work colleague or fellow commuter)
AGE YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY: Front ______ Back ______ Side ______
NUMBER OF SPERM YOU’VE THOUGHTLESSLY SENT TO A POINTLESS DEATH (ROUND TO NEAREST DOZEN)?
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
DO YOU KNOW A PLACE?
YOU KNOW THAT IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL WHEN IT MAKES THAT TEARING NOISE, RIGHT?
HOW MANY OF THE FOLLOWING HAVE YOU SIRED AND/OR GIVEN BIRTH TO:
Normal human baby
Abnormal human baby
Normal non-human baby
Normal human adult
Child the size of an average thumb
Terrifying David Lynch-ian worm-creature
Wooden boy
Goat/man hybrid
Saviour and/or destroyer of humanity fulfilling an ancient prophesy
A literal watermelon
Health
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SICK FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER?
WHY DON’T YOU TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF?
ARE YOU WEAK-WILLED, OR DO YOU JUST NOT CARE?
HOW MANY NAKED PICTURES HAVE YOU TAKEN (ROUND TO NEAREST DOZEN, ATTACH TO TEXT MESSAGE)?
WHICH DO YOU CONSIDER YOUR MORE ATTRACTIVE BREAST/TESTICLE, AND WHY? (Answer in not less than 500 words)
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PROCESS: You application will be assessed by our team and then monetarised with advertisers, and you will be contacted by us if successful, and by ASIO and/or the CSIRO if necessary.
Andrew P Street Is The Internet 